A Foolproof Guide for Getting Your Unrequited Love to Fall for You
by Thao Nguyen
The day I met Sam* started out like any other day, but by the time night fell, my life had changed forever. Even though I talked to Sam for less than half an hour after a mutual friend and I ran into him at a book store, I knew that he was the love of my life. (This definitely wasn't me projecting my Prince Charming fantasies onto a guy who happened to look exactly like Brandon Flowers and who happened to be holding a copy of The Two Towers, my favorite book of all time.) And I would do anything to get him to realize the same. I've spent the last few years practicing the steps in this guide, and I'm positive that any day now, they are going to work. One of these mornings, Sam is going to wake up and realize that I. AM. THE. ONE.
If your soulmate is turning a blind eye to the fact that you two are meant to be together, give the tips in this guide a try.
User discretion is advised.
Spend your waking hours daydreaming about unrealistic - but not impossible - scenarios where you run into each other (despite living in completely different areas), and share a *moment.*
This is not a waste of your time at all. If you dream it, you can be it, right? This is super effective, because you know in your heart and soul that if you could just spend a moment alone with them, they’ll see that you are THE ONE. After all, the only reason you two aren’t together is because they haven’t gotten a chance to see how compatible and perfect you two would be together. Living out all of the scenarios in your head is just giving you a chance to prepare for a moment that absolutely will happen eventually. It’s really hard to be witty and charming in the moment, nothing says “I’m funny, and cute, and smart” like a premeditated response for every conversation, right? It certainly won’t leave you disappointed when the moment doesn’t happen and it definitely isn’t time you could have been spending thinking about work or school or anything else insignificant. Daydreaming is also perfect because it requires absolutely no action on your part. When has making an effort to get to know someone ever worked out? Living out scenarios in your mind is risk-free and leaves it up to the universe and fate, and those always work out in your favor, especially when it is meant to be.
Watch a lot of romantic movies and listen to sappy love songs.
Imagine that every love song ever written is being addressed to you by your person. Imagine you’re the lead in a romantic movie, and through a series of zany events and misunderstandings and kisses in the rain, you’ll end up with them. This also helps provide inspiration for your daydreaming. Sure, these movies and songs were made for the general population, but it’s pretty clear that the people behind them know exactly what you’re growing through. When “U Got it Bad,” it really helps to have a soundtrack and famous actors guiding you through your misery. Being upset over a non-existent relationship is amateur. It’s way more dramatic and exciting to cry as you think about how your person isn’t swearing by the moon and the stars that they’re going to be there. Bonus points if there are chocolates and wine involved with the crying and pining.
Complain constantly about how you aren’t with them, especially when you’re with your friends.
If they’re really your friends, they will indulge your feelings and encourage you to keep pining after that person who barely knows you exist. On top of that, since they’re your friends, they won’t be annoyed by you talking about how obvious it is that you should be with this special someone. People live for that kind of enticing conversation. It really helps to get validation from your friends about your feelings, too. “Of course you guys should be together, look at how cute your hashtag would be if you combined names,” could possibly the best words you’ll ever hear. But beware, sometimes your well-meaning friends can give you bad advice. If they encourage you to show interest, put yourself “out there,” or confess your feelings, don’t listen to them. All of these actions makes you vulnerable and open you up to looking foolish, and nothing, not even a potential relationship, is worth that.
Stalk them, their close friends, and exes on social media. Use the dark web if necessary.
This is a great way to figure out what they like to do, where they like to hang out, and whom they like to spend time with. Become these people, but better. When in doubt, be anyone but yourself. Use Instagram and Twitter to figure out what they think is funny, interesting, and important. Start copying the way they communicate and showing up where they hang out. If you really want to go the extra mile, get access to the dark web and have a hacker help you find out everything necessary about their ex. This is where you can figure out what drew them to this person, and what caused the relationship to fail. If you can be JUST like their ex, minus the deal breaking factor, you’re already halfway to a relationship!
Facebook is a great way to figure out their interests. You can totally adopt their taste in music, movies, and sports. But if you’re going to do this, commit to it. Find out everything you can, because if and when the two of you do talk, they’ll probably ask you something like “Oh! You like the Seahawks too? What is Pete Carroll’s blood type then?” and you’ll look pretty ridiculous if you don’t know the blood type and medical history of the entire coaching staff and current roster. The important thing is that your love thinks you have everything in common, and therefore are destined to be together. If that requires changing your personality and interests, so be it. After all, love is about sacrifice, right? If they like the circus, get yourself a pet elephant and some clown shoes. If they like fly-fishing, randomly show up around their neighborhood in fishing attire.
Reject anyone else who tries to pursue a relationship with you.
Look, you’ve already figure out that your unrequited love is THE ONE. There’s no use wasting your time going out with someone if you’re going to leave them as soon as THE ONE starts showing interest. You don’t need to give this other person a chance because you know in your heart and soul that it’s not meant to be. And knowing something in your heart and soul is way more dependable than actual experience. The person who is showing interest in you is obviously bad juju in the world trying to keep you and your soulmate apart. Don't fall for those tricks! Stay valiant and strong. Nothing is stronger than real, true love. And that's 100% what you and your unrequited love have.
*Names have been changed for privacy.