The Ultimate Bitter Person's Guide to a Salty Valentine's Day
by Alisha Dhillon & Thao Nguyen
While we don’t encourage bitterness about being single ALL the time, there are just some days where it can’t be helped. Valentine’s Day, is one of those days. With couples packing all of the restaurants, stores shoving hearts and roses in your faces, and the TV and radio being inundated with diamond ring ads, it’s almost impossible to be happy about your lack of a lover. For all of our readers who want to wallow in self-pity on February 14th, check out the ideas below to make this Valentine’s Day extra salty.
Get yourself some flowers. As the flowers die and wither, they will serve as a reminder that your heart is dying and your livelihood is withering. Once they’re dead, you can feel some hope. Why? Because someday you’ll be dead too and the fact that no one loves you won’t matter.
Contain your pain. But just until the 15th! Why? Because the prices of those beautifully-decadent chocolate boxes will be slashed (like your heart!). You’ll be able to afford 20 boxes and eat them all without any shame, because you’ll be completely alone. Just like you were on the 14th, and just like you’ll be on the 16th.
Find random couples on Instagram who are celebrating their anniversaries or getting married and leave the comment “Couples who get married on Valentines Day are 36% more likely to get divorced #truth.” Those couples need a reality check, you're just doing your job as a concerned citizen by helping them see how annoying their happiness is. Not to mention, you might get blocked by a bunch of people on Instagram! There's nothing like being a social media pariah to really mix things up.
Crash a friend’s date. Figure out where your best friend and their S.O. are going for their romantic dinner. Show up with a folding chair and be their uninvited third wheel. Extra credit if you make passive aggressive comments and roll your eyes all night about their relationship. The best part is that your friend can’t turn you away, so you can stay for as long as you want and eat off their plates.
Write a delightfully rhymey break-up poem! Be sure to start with “Roses are red/Our love is dead”. Now, I know what you’re thinking: I have no one to send it to! Wrong! Make several copies and address them to all of the people at your office who are in relationships. Don’t feel bad; they deserve this. It’s Valentine’s Day and they’re happy, which as you know, is simply unacceptable. While you’re addressing the poems, don’t freak out if you don’t know the names of their S.O.s - just sign, “From your former bae”!
Go to the movies alone. Well, not totally alone. Bring your flashlight! Arrive late and find a spot directly in the middle of the theater of the most popular rom-com. If you come late enough, there will be one seat right in the middle. The empty seat in the middle always seemed pointless, right? Who comes alone to the movies? You do! Every couple of minutes (preferably during important scenes), shine the flashlight on a couple! Directly in the eyes is best, but not imperative. Try to be as sporadic as possible with the light. Your goal is to induce migraines or at least severe embarrassment if the couple is making out. You get double the entertainment for the price of one movie ticket. (You’re welcome.)