Top 10 Ways to Ruin a First Date
by Thao Nguyen
As you probably already know, I don’t date a lot. But in the few dating experiences I have had, I’ve learned a lot. Particularly how to make sure things DON’T go beyond a first date. The following is a comprehensive list of the ways I or my dates have accidentally (or in some cases purposely) screwed things up, ensuring that one of us has had to make the whole “I’m sorry but I don’t think there was really a connection” speech at the end of the night. So follow this guide if it turns out that person you met on Bumble personality-catfished you and you need to get out of that date stat!
Show up late without an explanation or apology. There is nothing, NOTHING, that angers me more than someone who shows up late and doesn’t apologize. This is the perfect way to show someone you don’t care about their time. Being rude is a great way to ensure there won’t be a second date.
Be a terrible conversationalist. There’s a huge difference between letting your date talk and forcing them to carry the conversation. If your date asks questions, give really stilted answers. If they’re telling a story, don’t ask any follow-up questions. They’ll either join you in silence or go the extra mile to keep the conversation going. You’ll come off either boring or rude. No second date for you.
Talk about whale farts. Okay, reason 132452 I’m single: there used to be a time that I thought a good ice breaker was telling people that a blue whale’s fart is large enough to hold a horse. Personally, I find this fact hilarious and interesting. But I can tell you from experience that very few people want to hear about giant farts over a beer.
Use your arm as your napkin. Have you ever seen someone eat extra saucy hot wings and then use their arm to wipe their mouth? ‘Cuz I have. It was fascinating and disgusting all at once. Bonus points if you go in for a hug at the end of the date with your dried-up sauce arms.
Talk about how much you hate dogs. Yes, this will make you seem heartless and crazy, but short of being exceptionally un-PC, this is the quickest way to guarantee your date won’t be asking you out again. If it turns out your date actually does hate dogs, change gears and say you were joking and that dogs are your life and you love them more than you love other people. Either way, at the end of the date you can say “I don’t think this is going to work out if you don’t hate/love dogs as much as I do.”
“Forget” your wallet and DON’T say thank you when your date pays. Call me old fashioned, but I do appreciate it when the guy pays on the first date if he was the one to ask me out. But on several occasions now, I’ve gone on dates where I had to pay for the BOTH of us, and didn’t hear a word of thanks. I really don’t mind paying for a date’s meal, but the ingratitude was what really turned me off. Doing this will make your date feel like they were such terrible company that you think you’re entitled to drinks and a meal.
Instagram everything. This works great in a crowded bar or restaurant. Once your drinks or food come out, stand on your chair, talk loudly about getting the perfect angle and lighting, and take lots and lots of photos. Whenever your date starts talking about something that interests them, interrupt them and say “Sorry! I just have to see if this meme page I follow added any new posts.” Let’s just say the guy who did this to me lost a follower that night.
Reveal how much you know about them from your Instagram stalking. I’ve told you before about the perils of spending too much time on your date’s social media pages before getting to know them. I can tell you first hand that it is really easy to slip up and ask them about their trip to London in 2006 before the server even comes to take your drink order. Nothing to dampen the mood on a date than coming off as creepy!
Ignore your date for the game on the TV. Alright, this was my bad for agreeing to meet up with someone while the World Cup was on. I thought I would be able to control myself and not focus on the screen, but I’m powerless when it comes to soccer! Whatever your sport of choice is, show more attention to it than your date, and you’ll be sure never to hear from them again.
Be really snobby about everything. Pretentiousness is not a good trait on anyone. Complaining about the authenticity of the food or drinks you’re having will definitely annoy your date. You’ll lose even more points if you talk about how the food you had while studying abroad was so much better and how anyone who doesn’t travel is completely uncultured.