Weird Thoughts We’ve All Had, but Will Never Say Out Loud
by Vanessa Palencia
If you ever thought that you were different because some bizarre thoughts crossed your mind, then fear not because you are NOT alone. Seriously. You’re not.
1. Concerning your Ex: I wonder how they’re doing. Are they thinking of me right now? I haven’t talked to them in forever. I should just check in on them via Insta. Can’t hurt, right? *two hours into their feed.* They’ve won a pie-eating contest, sailed the Atlantic Ocean, and they’re now dating an acrobat, so they probably have amazing sex, and what am I doing with my life?! *hides under the covers, while sobbing, and eating Godiva chocolates.*
2. Concerning working out: On average, you burn about 20 calories sleeping for 30 minutes. That’s 40 calories in an hour, 180 calories in 4 hours, and about 280 calories in a full 8 hour rest. I wonder how many calories I can burn eating pizza?
3. Concerning settling: It’s been years since I’ve so much as held someone’s hand. I even got tingles when my gay hairdresser was massaging soap into my hair in the sink. I NEED love! Maybe I’ll just meet a nice person who is fertile enough to have my babies and will treat me right. To hell with taming bad boys or touching a football player’s abs. As long as he can protect me from spiders and rats, I win at life.
4. Concerning your appearance: I’ve now reached a point in my life where I couldn’t care less about what people think of me when I go out to Target looking like a homeless person in fuzzy, pink unicorn slippers and disheveled hair on a Sunday afternoon. I’ve had a long week and I deserve this shitty day.
5. Concerning dating apps: It’ll be fun. So many hot, single people in one place. It’s like walking down the baking aisle at Safeway. So many brownie boxes to choose from! Wait, shit, this means I actually have to spend time with them and go on actual dates with them. Like dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant that’s not Panda Express or Chipotle. What if they're too short? Does that make me height-ist? Or what if they're a Creative Writing major who loves writing cheesy Shakespearean love poems about me in a journal, but really they're actually some undercover serial killer waiting to lure me into a dingy dorm room? *deletes app*
6. Concerning one night stands: I’ve been single for far too long. Cobwebs are starting to form up there in the tunnel of love. I think I deserve a one night stand. *texts Brad* Wait, now I probably have to take a shower, put on makeup, and dress all cute. Damn it, Brad.
7. Concerning death: I wonder if a peanut butter jar can be lethal. I mean, what if I couldn't properly open up the peanut butter jar, and then I tried tapping it on the floor like I saw on a life-hack website, but instead it shattered so I had to tiptoe around the kitchen so as to not step on a shard of glass, but then accidentally slipped on spilled peanut butter, and fell down and banged my head so hard against the countertop before finally falling down on the floor where I die because I fell face down and accidentally inhaled glass? Yep, peanut butter jars are a deadly weapon in disguise.