Never Say Never

Never Say Never

by Ilene Arevalo

I’ve known a man for almost five years, and he comes in and out of my life only when it’s convenient to him. We dated back when we were 19 years old, but called it quits after a month. He had no communication with me or method to contact me, yet, he had the audacity to look me up on social media.

When I saw his friend request, my heart dropped with confusion. I didn’t know how to react to this minor dilemma (which I turned into a major one in my head). As I sat in my kitchen table speculating memories and emotions, I didn’t know what do. Added to the confusion was my sleep deprivation. I had other things to worry about like waiting on the news regarding whether my sister was going to live or die.

For a week, I kept asking myself if I should talk to him. This confusion and not knowing what to do did not help that I had also found out my sister had two weeks to live. I had mixed emotions about reconnecting with him because he had hurt me in the past. The ironic thing about the whole situation was that my sister and mom had recently asked about him and if I would consider seeing or speaking to him again. Their question came as a surprise because it was something I didn't think I'd have to face once more. Yet there I was, facing that exact situation.

I hesitated to speak with him, especially because it had taken me two years to get over this guy. I still question why it took me so long to heal when we only dated for a month. Despite my reservations, I accepted his friend request and we communicated again. After awhile of talking online, he asked me out on a date. Before the date, I sat in the corner of my bed, reading the saved text message conversations between my sister and I (who had passed away at this point). My eyes welled with tears as I struggled with knowing I wouldn’t be able to text her again about this guy. I was skeptical about him because I did not know his intentions, and the one person whose advice I wanted, wasn’t there.

I grabbed my things and went on my way to meet him. When I saw him, all of the feelings I thought had drifted away came back to me. I tried to play it cool, but I ended up drinking to calm my nerves. After dinner, we took a walk and talked about our past relationships, dreams, and our goals.

Six months passed and we were still dating. I thought we were a serious thing, but when I asked him, “What are we?” he said that he still needed time to think. I was upset, because he had had six months to figure that out. I waited for a week to hear from him, but he ignored me. His silence stressed me out.

In the end, I had to be the bigger person and confront our situation. I asked him if he thought it was going to work out. For the second time, he broke my heart, because his response was “no.” I had wasted six months of my efforts on someone who didn’t care.

It’s an awful feeling being used. However, I think this was a learning experience for me to become a better person for the next relationship. I learned that for my future relationships, I won't be afraid to express what I want in a man, nor will I be afraid to tell him. There will be no limitations. I will take risks and I will keep reaching for the stars.      

 

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