The Ultimate Bitter Person's Guide to a Salty Valentine's Day
By Polarity Staff
It’s been a year since we released the inaugural Ultimate Bitter Person’s Guide to a salty Valentine’s Day and we’ve spent the last 365 days or so coming up with new ways to actually enjoy D-Day. Oops, we mean V-Day. Actually, no we don’t. Once again, we don’t normally encourage super bitter behavior, but damn if all those red and pink hearts don’t bring out the Negative Nancys in us.
Caution: please don’t actually do these things. Your relationship status, or lack thereof, is no reason to be bitter and there’s no need to take out your frustrations on others. Remember that it doesn’t take a significant other to be happy or to be validated.
1. Pull a Dwight Schrute and make multiple reservations under different names at all of the local restaurants so no one else can make them.
Not only does this give you plenty of options to eat at, it also means when you do show up at the restaurant, most of the tables will be empty and you can enjoy your solitary meal in peace.
2. Rewrite love songs to have more accurate and realistic lyrics. Record said songs and become the next YouTube sensation.
We’ll help you get started with one of our own rewrites
Original: I don’t want to close my eyes/ I don’t want to fall asleep/ Cuz I’ll miss you, babe/ And I don’t wanna miss a thing
Rewrite: I don’t want to date this guy/ I just want to eat this cake/ Cuz its chocolate/ And I can even add more frosting
3. Name a roach after your ex.
Thanks to the Bronx Zoo, you can name a roach after the person who was once your entire world, and ship them a certificate and other roach merch to further solidify your message. The zoo wants it to be a cute gift for a loved one, but we ain’t here for that.
4. Make your own chocolate with a special filling (laxative laced cherry).
Use this recipe and when making the filling, just crush a laxative or two and add it to the cherry mix! Save this for those who have really done you wrong-perhaps the girl who stole your boyfriend! Send them to her from him, and enjoy the knowledge that she will NOT enjoy V-Day this year.
5. Send out a text blast that is sure to destroy the receiver's relationship.
Gather random numbers and send them all a message that says something along the lines of, “I’m so sorry I can’t spend Valentine’s Day with you, I just couldn’t reschedule my Sports Illustrated photoshoot. You know how it is. I’ll understand if you want to spend the night with one of your side pieces. I’ll call you tomorrow, xo”. That should throw a wrench in the plans of unsuspecting couples! Send it a few times to make sure their S.O. sees.
6. Read the creepiest Missed Connections on Craigslist.
Nothing will make you feel more better and relieved about being single than seeing all of the very creepy people out there looking for love.