How to Text Like a Totally Sane and Not at All Crazy Person
By Izamar Flores and Thao Nguyen
This article is not meant to be taken seriously. Please don't actually do these things!
Are you a nice guy or a nice girl? Are you having trouble getting a text back? If you answered yes to both of those questions, then this is for you!
If someone isn’t immediately responding to your texts, keep texting them. In our experience, 10 texts per minute for an hour is all you need to get a response. You know they’re on the phone, so it’s only a matter of creating enough notifications to get the attention you deserve.
Compliment them. Tell them they smell amazing every time you’re near them and can’t wait to see them again. If they text back “Uh ok, thanks,” unleash your fury. Tell them they are a plague to society and they are the scum of the earth. How dare they deny your compliment?! You’re such a nice person!
If you really like them, get the courage to ask them out. If they reject your request for a date nicely, tell them to f*uck off. They need to lose your number. You don’t have time to text people who don’t care about you; they only care about their family, school, and friends. You don’t have time for that. You are a precious gem.
Text a funny joke to that one person that makes your heart flutter. If they don’t laugh, text back an essay about how they just don’t understand how amazingly funny that was and they just need to get a freaking sense of humor. They just don’t understand when real humor comes into their life. You are the life of the party. Who the hell do they think they are?!
Ask your crush if they want to share half of your lunch with you. If they text back “That’s so sweet of you, but no thank you,” take a deep breath. Are they really gonna be doing you like that? Text back, “Wow, ok. I’ll figure something out. I thought I knew you, but I guess I don’t. I thought you were nice, but I was so wrong. Don’t worry. I won’t text you anymore. I was just trying to be friendly, but this always happens when I try to be nice.”
If you want to hook up with that cute friend you’ve been crushing on for months, ask them. If they text back “No, that’s not a good idea,” persist. Plead. Beg. If they text “No. Stop it,” ask why they’re being so snobby. They aren’t better than you, you are doing them a favor, since no one seems to want them anyway. They’ll end up alone in the end, you’re just trying to brighten up their life.
Nothing will get your crush to fall for you harder than pointing out all the ways you are better than their current partner. Tell them how nice and wonderful you are and how the person they’re with is a jerk and unworthy. Most people are blind to how horrible their partners are and they need a real nice person to point out the truth.
Use asterisks to indicate an action. Sometimes words alone aren’t enough. Using asterisks to tell the other person what you’re doing metaphysically is an effective way to show the text recipient just how sauve you are. *Tips fedora and leans in to whisper* trust us, this is a no fail option.
Refuse to admit you’ve said anything wrong. If the person you’re texting starts accusing you of being mean, creepy, or overbearing, be adamant that they’re wrong. All you’re trying to do is be nice and make their lives better, how can you be anything but right? Be willing and ready to insist again and again that you’re just being nice and a good friend.
Muster as much confident as possible and then multiply that by 100. Nothing comes off better than someone who is confident, so if you constantly talk about how great you are - not just emotionally, but physically as well - you’re going to win!